The Blue Algae Diet

The bells of St. Mary began to play somewhere in the recesses of my mind.  "I had better get to church," I thought.  "Wait.  I'm not Catholic."  The cobwebs began to clear from my brain when I realized that my alarm was going off.  Ug. 6:15 am.

Yes, for me that is still pretty much the middle of the night.  I have always leaned more toward my mother's most productive hours which are later morning (NOT 6:15 am) and later evening (after 9 pm).  Still, the world insists on getting an early start, so I too must comply.

"Get up, Pam," I said to myself.
"5 more minutes," I pleaded.
"You aren't to be trusted.  It's never 5 minutes."
"It will be this time, I promise."
"Tell THAT to your thighs."
I winced.

You see, today was (once again) the start of a new and improved healthy lifestyle for me.  I will be slimming my way down to a MOB (Mother of the Bride) dress in no time.  After all, pictures are forever. And now that they are digital, that has never been more true.* (Check the factoid below.)

Earlier last week I had made myself a chart which documented every minute of my day so that I could truly make every moment count.  "Fail to plan.  Plan to fail." I think a general somewhere sometime said that.  I've adopted that motto and have chosen to spring into action.  Thus, the 6:15 am alarm.

I got out of bed and shuffled toward the clothes I had laid out the night before.  (That way I can move about the room simply by feel therefore giving myself 2 more minutes with my eyes closed.)  I gathered them up and went to the bathroom.

Soon after I returned, John followed by getting dressed and preparing for the brisk walk.  This is where I should insert what a good guy he is.  In our location, it's not wise to travel alone for pretty much any reason.  Since I don't have a "walking buddy" he inadvertently volunteered when he cheered my efforts.  

We began walking out of the village and soon noticed that no one in the village is an early riser with the exception of the imam and a faithful few who rise to go to prayer at the mosque at 4:30 am.

As we walked along the main road, I chuckled to myself remembering a few of my previous attempts at dieting.

There was the:  

-Aerobics after work, but eat a brownie in between with my friend at the drive thru 
-Deal-a-Meal (No, I don't want to talk about it.)
-Stop the Insanity (No, I never liked her hair.)
-And the now infamous "Blue Algae Diet"

The last one seemed the most far-fetched, but also the most scientific.  I have a few dear friends that have witnessed several of these phases throughout the years.  One friend in particular is the picture of discipline.  She's everything I'm not.  She not only eats right, but she likes it.  She even runs, for fun! Yeah, I should have known there was something seriously wrong with us being friends.  

Knowing that she has a wealth of carrot stick information, I told her (and a couple others) of my plan to begin the Blue Algae Diet.  She suppressed a grin and asked what it was.  "Oooooh, it's very scientific.  Apparently there's this algae that when eaten by the fish keeps them very lean." (Even typing this I understand the utter ridiculousness of this statement, but I had just watched a 30-minute informercial and was extremely motivated.)  "They have now collected this blue algae and put it into a powder form.  When mixed with other toxin cleansers, it becomes the perfect weight loss cocktail!"

My friends all looked at each other and said, "When do you start?"

I, of course, said, Monday because all diets start on Monday unless it's the middle of the month in which you have to wait to the beginning of the month and hope that the first and Monday all hit at the same time or it's just too confusing to start.

Two weeks later, I sat with the same group of ladies and they asked about my progress.  I sheepishly looked back at them.

"How many days did you last?" they asked.

"One," I muttered.

"One day?"

"No, one meal.  I hated the stuff.  I mean seriously who eats blue algae?! No wonder the fish are thin.  I took one drink of the concoction and almost threw up!"

They didn't just laugh.  They guffawed.  Tears streamed down their faces.  They'd compose themselves and start again.  I joined in.  It was pathetically hilarious.

I snapped back to attention when I realized my calves were burning with a thousand fires.  "Uh, we forget to stretch out," I moaned to John.

"Stretching's for wimps," he quipped and picked up the pace.

"What a brute," I mumbled.

He laughed.  

We arrived back at the house and I promptly walked to my chart and drew a smiley face.  Day One COMPLETE.  I smiled at John and said, "When I get 10 smiley faces, I get a prize."

"What prize?"

"I suppose a Mini-Cooper would be over the top?"

"For your new mini form, I suppose?"

"Now you're trackin'…"

He laughed and said, "Let see how tomorrow goes…"

He knows me well.

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*Factoid:  In ancient times, Alexandria, Egypt had the world's most renown library collection.  Sadly, it burned but Egyptians chose to rebuild a modern library in its place.  We had opportunity to visit there.  The building is nice, but one room is of particular interest.  In the space are hundreds of computer servers that are cataloging and archiving every single page on the world wide web each week.  Not sure if this were true, we typed in one of our old business sites from the late nineties.  Sure enough, there it was.  Just imagine if my MOB pictures are catalogued for all eternity waiting to be viewed by generations of some carrot-eating stick girls?!

The Library in Alexandria, Egypt